The Great Canoe Battleship Competition

Written by Ayne Park

Hello dearest readers. I present to you: The Mongerer. The most local newspaper that you will ever receive in your whole life. Don’t trust anything we say because we will monger you. Fear monger. Friend monger. Win monger. Gender Reveal monger. All that being said, this is my first story.

Cornell Intramural Battleship Canoe

Essentially, on September 18^th from 3-7pm, there will be the 2nd most influential event (the 1st is the gender reveal party) of all time held at Beebe Lake: Canoe Battleship – the Intramural sport. There are a couple competitors in this event, but the team that you will be supporting is ‘The Mongerers’. Composed of Ayne Park, Hope Koehler, Ava Lehamann, and Elena Jackson. This fated team will realize their destiny as the Great Worldwide Canoe Battleship Champions. And you will be there to support them. This is THE event of your lifetime. You will not want to miss it.

Specifically, this stellar and stunning group of young women will be competing at exactly 5pm SHARP (they will be arriving to prepare at 4:45pm). They have great expectations. The greatest being that their loyal pack of fans will be cheering from the lake sidelines. These fans will be composed of everyone who is a subscriber to this amazing newspaper, as well as Ayne and Hope’s downstairs neighbors. As a member of the team, I pledge to demolish all the competition in my division, make it to the finals, and crush the weary souls of any opponents that cross our path. 

You may be wondering what exactly the canoe battleship competition entails. Thankfully, you have me to explain it to you. There are three preliminary rounds to this competition. Each preliminary round consists of 4 teams competing for 2 of the 6 spots in the final. The goal of the game is to dump as much water as you can into the canoes of your opponents so that they drown a very sorrowful death. But do not fear. The Mongerers will not go down, especially with the loud cheers that will erupt from their audience of fans as they chuck water with ease into all their opponents’ vessels. In addition, private sources close to the competitors themselves have disclosed that there is a ‘Master Plan’ in the works. Although I am unable to reveal this plan currently, I know that it will be very successful. 

I have also been asked to include a small section about The Mongerer’s competitors. This is a sentence acknowledging that the team ‘Titanic’s Icebergs’ lead by team captain Cole Huh will also be competing at this event. However, it is anticipated that their success will be greatly hindered by Cole Huh’s 3/3 record in capsizing canoes. 

As a fan, your final questions may be: What can I do to prepare for this wondrous spectacle? Of course, the first expectation, no demand, is that you show up. The Mongerers will likely be pre-gaming this event with alcoholic beverages (Hope, Ava, Elena) and marijuana (Ayne), and our lovely fans are more than welcome to join. In addition, we would love some fan-chants and posters, although it is not necessary. Just know that attending this event will not be in vain. The Mongerers will come out on top!